I’m learning you can always improve. To showcase this, I want to share my query hook from 10 months ago, versus my query now.
PREVIOUS QUERY:
In a world where men are locked underground and women rule, Zaire Wiels—an eighteen-year-old boy who dreams of feeling the sun on his skin—must pass an impossible test proving he is the “perfect” man or stay trapped underground forever…
Like all males, Zaire is controlled by the Women Soldiers for Order (WSO) and ranked by how “perfect” he is. That ranking determines everything about his life, including whether or not he is even eligible to take The Test.
So, when the compound’s Commander offers Zaire the opportunity to improve his ranking and finally go aboveground, Zaire doesn’t hesitate to take it. His assignment is to spy on Symphony Garcia, a new member of the female guard. Symphony doesn’t shy away from saying what she thinks, a privilege Zaire doesn’t have. And the more Symphony says, the more Zaire can’t help but be drawn to her.
However, Symphony’s actions come with consequences, and it soon becomes apparent that not everything is as it seems, especially when Zaire learns the real reason men are kept underground.
NEW QUERY:
Zaire has only ever dreamed of feeling the sun on his skin, but he will die underground. Because women live Above, and men live as prisoners beneath their feet. His only chance for a different future is to pass a test proving he is the perfect male, and the only way to take that test is by betraying the girl he loves.
Cue Symphony, Zaire’s ill-fated flame, a member of the underground female guard, and the leader of a secret revolution striving to bring equality to the sexes. She’s also Zaire’s ticket to a life aboveground, because he was offered a deal: The chance to take The Test to go Above in return for crushing Symphony and her revolution.
Now Zaire must decide: cling to his slim chance of freedom or join Symphony—the one person who makes him feel something real—in fighting for what’s right. The decision gnaws at him, especially after learning the true horror of The Test and that maybe men are locked away for a good reason.
MY THOUGHTS:
Wow! I really liked my old query, but my new query is shorter and better. Not to mention, in this time, I also trimmed my book by over 10,000 words. I had to go full Hannibal Lecter and cut away like there was no tomorrow, but I did it!
I’m excited to see what comes next as the result of my efforts.